Inappropriately Rude Answers to Inappropriately Personal Questions

baby, gender

I’ve been away from the computer for a while for a few reasons. We had a busy Easter week, I accidentally broke my computer (and MDL’s computer, too, oops), and the biggest reason, we had some pregnancy complications. Everyone is okay now, but we had to deal with a good number of medical professionals in that time, and it is exhausting. MDL and I made a list of some questions we have been asked, some we are dreading being asked, and the answers we wish we could give people.

  • How did you conceive? It was pretty easy. Would you like a reenactment?
  • Who is the real father? I am. I am also the real Slim Shady.
  • You’re transgender? Have you had the surgery? I am also very interested in your genitals. Please show them to me now.
  • What is the baby going to call you? She’s going to call me Daddy. You can’t call me that, though. It’s kind of personal.
  • Are you going to tell the baby [you’re trans/it’s not really yours/etc.]? No, I would prefer the baby to find out by going through some old papers one day and then feel really, really sad and/or bitter.
  • What if it gets confused? Babies get confused all the time. It’s our job as parents to teach them important lessons, like “No, your toes are not food.” Once they’ve got that down, they can learn anything.
  • You two look so young! You have how many already? There used to be six. We ate a few. It keeps the rest of them on good behavior.
  • Was this on purpose? No, MDL is a big skanky ho and cheated on me with some boy because she is secretly a straight and I cannot fulfill her needs. Alternatively, no, it was an accident, because I am soooo manly I grew sperms.
  • Who do the other children think you are? A robot magician who breathes fire. Because I am.
All your inappropriately personal questions answered. Spaceship van.

I designed these nifty business cards to hand to people, but MDL said that would not be helpful.

I know perfectly well that MDL’s chart has NURSE AT [REDACTED] HOSPITAL stuck to the front of it, and when they find out my mom was a labor and delivery nurse, that will be on there too, and nobody who sees that will say anything rude to us. Still though, we will see a lot of people between now and August, and not everyone is as professional as they should be.

I would like to be able to talk to my friends about this pregnancy without them feeling weird. But there is a difference between actually asking questions to learn something about our experience and passing a judgement. For the most part, these questions start with an answer.

  • How did you conceive? Obviously not the normal way.
  • Who is the real father? It’s not really your baby.
  • You’re transgender? Have you had the surgery? This is literally the only thing I want to know about you, freak show.
  • What is the baby going to call you? You’re not really the dad, so it shouldn’t call you that.
  • Are you going to tell the baby [you’re trans/it’s not really yours/etc.]? If you don’t, that’s lying, but why would you want your baby to know that?
  • What if it gets confused? As an adult I can’t even wrap my head around this! How can you expect a child to?
  • You two look so young! You have how many already? Stop having kids already omg.
  • Was this on purpose? Obviously not, I bet MDL is a big skanky ho and cheated on you with some boy because she is secretly a straight and you cannot fulfill her needs.
  • Who do the other children think you are? Cuz you’re not their dad either, duh.

So if you’re one of our friends, you probably don’t think those things, and it’s okay to ask questions. However, if you’re a stranger, this isn’t really appropriate conversation anyway, whether or not you’re secretly judging us. Our friends and family have been really supportive, and we’re really thankful. Unfortunately, it makes it that much worse when we have to leave our bubble.

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